this one is on age.

i have been thinking a lot about age recently. it is always lurking in the recesses of my mind pushing forward trying catch my attention. my age pokes and prods me, attempting to make me care. and lately its bothersome and inevitable presence has won over my thoughts. 

i have an old soul and it feels trapped. bound in the restrictions of my "age" and always wanting to be free to reach its potential. i feel out of place, like i am stuck in this juncture, just waiting as i would at a train station. and i am, waiting. i know i am meant for a lot more. but it isn't time for my train to come yet. so continue to wait i must.  

i spend a lot of time yearning to be around those who are older, much older. because older usually means wiser. the wise have so much to share, and i am always wanting to learn. i could spend hours with my grandparents and i would not even need to talk, i would be just as happy to listen, for they have a lot to say. of love, of war, of prejudice, poverty, religion, and education. i miss having that opportunity. 

however, that isn't what i came to this little spot of mine to write about. there is a quote by anais nin:

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

 i would like not to be judged by my age, but by maturity and the facets of my being. who is to say i am not ready to rent a car? no offense mother, but i spent too many years at the "kids" table. i would like to be listened to, and i would like to be taken seriously. i am the youngest one in my family, i was the youngest on study abroad, and now i am the youngest in all of my classes. and just because i am the only single one left out of my siblings does not mean that my opinions should not hold any ground. i have done a lot in so little years, if that is worth anything. and i believe that it is worth everything.

this sounds angsty. i am trying to articulate all these thoughts in my head, and writing them is proving to be difficult. but more than ever it seems i am coming into contact with people who ask me my age and then sound surprised with my answer. i don't want others' opinion of me to change because they think i am too young. 

so the question is: should i try to hide my age? or is it better to be proud of it? 

sometimes i even have to convince myself i am the age that i am. i just don't think about it that way. 

age is relative. age is relative. age is relative. 

the other day my professor said something in reference to my age that sparked this little series of thoughts. it irked me. and as you can tell it still does. i occasionally get the comment {not from my professor} "i'll tell you when you are older." i know it is all in jest so i just let it roll off. imagine though if you will what would happen if we waited to tell others {children} about important ideas and events until we thought they were old enough to hear it. i don't think they would grow as much. talk to a child as if they are a child and they will remain just that, a child. 

i want to travel even more, to make and maintain meaningful relationships, i want to have deep doctrinal discussions with my father, to see things that will change and challenge my every thought, i want to learn for the sake of learning, to have my own studio and create as much art as a want to without the fear of failure but the embracement of it, i want to live in a forest alone with my thoughts where i can row a boat onto a lake and read for hours, i want to live without having to wait to be old enough. 

it is hard to balance living in the moment and constantly waiting for the future, hoping and thinking that it will all be better then. it will only be better if i make it so. in about three months i will be across the barrier and into a whole new age. until then and after then i will just have to make it so. 

age is relative. 

my grandparents are adorable. and my grandma could run circles around any person i know. again, age is only a number.